i've been away....

...for a while now... august has left me feeling a little mystified. i'm counting down the days until it is over. only three days long summer days left. am catching my breath and looking down the road to a september full of rusts, yellows, oranges, mauves. hoping it will be one to remember, to cherish, to breathe fresh (and not so hot and humid) air, to feel healthier, and smile just a little more. august has been anything but.

august, you have a pretty name, and i usually look forward to you with those jitters you gave me each year i would watch your days pass in anticipation for a new start. a new school. new clothes. new people. a possibly new self. you always held an uncertainty; a bit scary, but thrilling nonetheless. i always admired the way you had so many surprises hidden in your sweltering days; into your steamy nights. you played your cards with the ease of a player working the tables in vegas. wowing the crowd with your ease. that was then.

this is now. i am in hate {i take that back, i am in not-like} with you. hate is too strong a word for what we are at present. i suppose i am not sure how to exactly classify you. but i do know i am hurt. this time around you weren't so much fun. there wasn't so much excitement, more of a constant hum, like that of a fan or an off-kilter washing machine. you just weren't right this year. why couldn't you just bring me your sweltering hot days, a good book and my longing for the beach? or the two-a-days you used to make me run when my body was still sixteen? or the thrill of buying school supplies for another painful year of teenage social interactions and unfettered angst?

but as i ask why you couldn't do all those things, i have come to realize that, august, you were you for a myriad of reasons. i'll have you know that even though you weren't what i had grown to love through the years, i made it through. i rose above. i loved. i reconnected. i sang. i cried. i danced. i made straight a's. i got it partly figured out. i was more honest (and for me, that's damn hard to do.) i made a pact. i feel renewed. so, august, take a bow, the show's over. thanks for the memories. see you next year.

1 comment:

  1. This is beautiful, Courtney. It's funny, I never really thought how, despite it's sweltering heat, exciting August is. Band camp is what I remember the most - and family vacations before the summer comes to an end. August does feel different in Japan. I think the lack of AC and the heavier work load play a part in that, but there's something else that just isn't right . . . I've never liked August in Japan. I'm glad to hear you made the most of it regardless. Wish I could say the same.


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